Lent. “It took me thirty years to experience my baptism”

You live in Lyon but we are meeting today in Paris. For what ?

I came to see my grandmother. She is 103 years old and is preparing for her big transition. It was she who had me baptized when I was 2 years old, when she was, like my entire family, very far from the Church.

Tell us…

My grandparents raised their children in the Christian faith. In 1962, my grandfather, whose profession had led to his exposure to X-rays, died at the age of 39. My mother was 12 years old. She experienced this as cruelty from God.

For her part, my grandmother rebuilt her life with another man, without remarrying, which perhaps put her in an uncomfortable position vis-à-vis the institution. Furthermore, she did not understand the liturgical reform of the Second Vatican Council. Neither of them ever set foot in church again.

Except for your baptism, so…

In 1979, on Christmas Eve, my grandmother’s partner died suddenly. And a few days later, she baptized my little brother and me. Was she upset by this disappearance? Worried about us going to the United States where my father was going to continue his career? Was it superstition? I see it as a movement of the deep heart.

In any case, she convinced my parents, who were militant atheists, close to Marxism. They hid nothing of their convictions from the priest, assuring him that we would not have a Christian education. He could have – some would say “should” – refused. But he baptized us.

So you became a Christian?

For thirty years, this baptism had no meaning for me. He was even ridiculed in my family. I grew up like this, very anticlerical, resolutely materialist: for me, the human being was just a bunch of cells. But at the end of my studies, at 23, I took a trip to India. There, it is not faith, but atheism that is considered odd.

One day, a crippled, very dirty, barely clad beggar – an untouchable – approached me. He didn’t ask me anything, but just smiled at me. This is one of the most beautiful faces I have seen in my life. Suddenly, I perceived in him an immense light and joy, and as if mirrored, deep inside me, a miserable field of ruins. It was my first experience of an interior life. When I returned to France, I began a spiritual and existential quest which lasted ten years…

What avenues have you explored?

Yoga, meditation, psycho-corporeal therapies, shamanic practices, asceticism… I have experimented with many things, going further and further into esotericism, sometimes to dangerous limits. I gradually opened myself to the existence of an invisible world around us, but a cry grew within me, which found no echo.

And then one day, in Nice, I went to see a herbalist to put up the poster for a geobiology conference in which I was going to participate. This man said to me: “All these experiences are good, but are you finding what you are looking for? » I shake my head “no”. He continues: “Do you feel like you’re touching on despair? » For the first time, someone puts their finger on this emptiness inside me. I whisper “yes”.

Looking at me frankly, he said: “You have to stop your bullshit! Go see the Benedictines in Laghet. » This resonates within me with such authority that I obey. I take my car and go there.

Do you meet the sisters?

No, there is no one except a priest in a small glass room, who notices me, beckons me to approach and says: “I am listening to you. » So, in an uninterrupted flow, I pour out my fear, my discomfort, my hatred of the Church. Seeing that I don’t want to leave, he asks me to pray with him. Within me, my spirit resists but my heart runs towards the great cross under which we settle.

The priest gives me a prayer of deliverance which I read aloud: “Lord, let your love invade my heart, give me to remember that if I came into existence, it is because I was wanted and desired and that I am loved by you. » I feel a flood of joy coming to my heart and for the first time I experience being, no longer a bunch of cells, or energy, but a person, a being loved and capable of loving. I have no doubt: it is God. I enter into his presence.

And then?

Without my understanding them, the priest pronounces the words of the sacrament of reconciliation. I then hear myself say: “I am fully experiencing my baptism. » I understood later that these words came from my “deep heart”, this place where God dwells, deep within us. The priest answers me: “Your path for ten years has been an authentic search for God. In half an hour, I will preside over the Eucharist. I invite you to make your first communion. » During Mass, I experience a deep and real life: God present in the sacraments. This is how I became fully alive, and little by little, a Christian.

Why little by little? How were the months that followed?

I lived for some time on this momentum of my encounter with God. Then when this sensitive grace faded, I had moments of anguish. Was I delirious? I heard my father’s little voice whispering to me: “They put drugs in incense to anesthetize consciences…” (laughs).

I went to mass but I didn’t have the codes of all those I call “Obelixes”, those who fell into it when they were little. I was afraid of them. I was offered to follow the Alpha course: ten sessions to understand the fundamentals of the faith. It was good but it was short!

So I took almost two years for God, on a pilgrimage in the Church between the community of Chemin neuf, a Charity Home, Notre-Dame de Vie. Common life, study and shared daily life made me discover the Church and deconstruct many prejudices. If I had only had Sunday mass as a perspective, I would not have held on.

There are more and more baptized adults in the Church. Does she know how to accompany them?

I accompanied catechumens for nine years. Even though my parish is very welcoming, it’s hard to enter the community! It took me ten years to feel comfortable. And again… How many Christmases, Easters, or simple Sundays have I experienced alone? There are often so few personal connections. I see it as a real challenge! I dream of open homes, spontaneous sharing of everyday life, concrete solidarity.

Why not take inspiration from the Jewish Shabbat to free up free time, set aside long moments to be fully available for relationships? Cooking, washing dishes, meals, discussions, walks… are vectors of communion and fraternity. Getting out of the “must” to seek the living meaning of what is often experienced as injunctions or “good deeds”: I believe that today this is essential.

Your conversion has guided your life choices. Where are you today?

Last year, I made the choice of consecrated life. Today, I lead retreats in different spiritual centers. It gives me time to pray and come see my grandmother. A few days ago, I went to mass in the church where she had me baptized. During the Eucharist, I felt the urge to offer him the sacrament of the sick. A few drops of oil on her forehead to respond to the few drops of water she poured on mine, in a somewhat mysterious way, forty-six years ago. We will see if this happens. In any case, it will be in respect of my family’s beliefs…