advice from Marcel Rufo
Letter of the week
“My mother is exhausted day after day in the help she gives to my father who is gradually declining. Her extreme fatigue and isolation (because she can no longer participate in her association meetings) make her irritable and vulnerable. With my sister, we presented her with offers of help at home in order to relieve her. But she refuses, perhaps for fear of disrupting her daily life or her habits. Should we respect his choice or impose assistance on him? Elodie
THE POINT OF VIEW OF MARCEL RUFO, PEDOPSYCHIATRIST
What is surprising in the position of your mother, Élodie, is her refusal to be supported. As if, deep down, she felt guilty about it, the presence of a caregiver proving, materially and physically, that she is not capable of helping her husband who is losing his footing.
You and your sister should see your mother in person to discuss the situation. Invite her to tell you about the specific difficulties your father is experiencing, listen to her carefully. This will allow you to encourage them to accept external support by assuring them that their exhaustion is understandable and by promising to be there the first time this person comes. Then, you can offer her psychological support to “clean up” the guilt that this device will cause in her. A process where you will also accompany him.
Do not hesitate to talk to her about the association activities that she has suspended. Tell her your pride in her commitments, your wish to see her relaunch them. Proceeding in this order is already taking care of your mother. This will require a lot of mobility∘: this is the price to pay to alleviate it.
Readers’ responses
∗ Maintain balance. At 82, I am a caregiver for my husband who had a stroke last April. A housekeeper helps me twice a week. But supporting this on a daily basis is exhausting. However, I continued my activities, notably aquagym and painting, during which someone comes to take care of my husband. Tell your mother: preserving this balance is essential to being able to properly help others. Elizabeth
∗ Do not give up. I am experiencing a similar situation. I learned that we must respect this refusal, without resigning ourselves to it. Behind it, there may be the fear of losing control, or a loyalty that pushes you to take responsibility for everything. I moved forward in small steps with my mother, offering occasional help (cleaning, shopping), presented as support to reassure me rather than her. Don’t rush her, but stay present: the important thing is that she doesn’t feel alone in coping. Brice
