advice from Marcel Rufo

“Our son wanted to change his name”

One of our sons, Martin, 43, decided to take his wife’s name as his usual name and give it to their 1-year-old daughter. I explained to him that this brutal announcement felt like a rejection on his part, a rejection of our family and particularly of me. Our daughter-in-law wrote to us that love in a family does not depend on a name. Our son has since informed us that they will not be celebrating their daughter’s birthday with us. His brother doesn’t understand. What attitude do you recommend to us? Emmanuel

The point of view of Marcel Rufo, child psychiatrist

In fact, your son Martin’s approach seems to mean a rejection of your family, Emmanuel, and I understand that this brutal announcement is very painful, especially since he refuses to associate you and your wife with the first anniversary of his daughter.

Reading you, I also detect that you doubt your daughter-in-law’s real desire for conciliation, beneath her apparent benevolence. She would even be involved in this state of affairs. However, I invite you not to express your bitterness and to preserve the channel of communication that it opened. You will benefit from getting closer to her by telling her that you accept your son’s decision but that this should not damage your relationships or, above all, deprive you of meetings with your granddaughter.

Explain the situation to your other son, so as to harmonize your positions. If he were aggressive with his brother, it would risk strengthening his distance. Don’t try to confront Martin. Seize this tenuous thread of dialogue that his wife initiated, and thanks to which you can hope, despite this missed first birthday, to forge a bond with your granddaughter and maintain relations with her father.

Responses from Pilgrim readers

Maintain contact – My son informed me of the same decision on his wedding day. I still chose to talk to him about it afterwards. This desire stems from poor relations with his father. Warned early enough, you still have the opportunity to discuss it. Despite this feeling of rejection, maintain contact with your son. Of course, passing on your name is valuable; but isn’t the love you have for Martin and his daughter the strongest? Marylene

Keep the dialogue going – Choosing the wife’s name is being done more and more, for different reasons which are not those of family rejection. On the other hand, I understand that not celebrating the birthday of
your granddaughter hurts you and it seems to me that your son, or your daughter-in-law, can hear it. During a meeting or a call, dare to very simply share your emotions, your distress and your need to understand. And listen to it while remaining open to dialogue. Helene