Desiring each other in illness: these couples reinvent themselves

We clear our throats before asking the question: “Um… are you still making love?” » This intrusion into privacy, Frédérique Éthoré-Blétry, as elegant as it is simple, never reproached those around her. In 2023, Charcot disease was diagnosed in her husband, Alain Blétry, “her Alain”. Ten years earlier, this man had captivated her at the first glance of his magnificent green eyes.

But amyotrophic lateral sclerosis gradually took away her athletic build and her muscular arms in which the sixty-year-old loved to snuggle up so much. Alain’s caresses and kisses became more and more rare as his muscles atrophied. “He was afraid of choking when he kissed me,” confides this madly in love wife. The illness interfered in their relationship like a mistress.

While more than 20 million French people live with a chronic illness and 1,200 new patients suffer from cancer every day in France, many lovers must, like Frédérique and Alain, reinvent their intimacy. For a long time, medicine has focused on healing and alleviating suffering.

But a new generation of practitioners now addresses these questions more easily in consultation. “Sexual health is fundamental to the general health and well-being of individuals, couples and families,” emphasizes the World Health Organization (WHO). In France, the High Authority for Health says nothing else. Little by little, modesty comes to terms with confidences: in the medical world or on social networks dedicated to patients, like Carenity, speech is freed.

Hugs allowed

Because the problems are numerous. Cardiologist Claire Mounier-Vehier, head of department of the Heart Lung Institute at Lille University Hospital (North) and co-founder of Agir pour le Cœur des Femmes, hears it regularly: “My husband no longer dares to touch me. » She explains that there are no contraindications for cardiovascular diseases, that one should “never be afraid to give a hug”.

This is what initially happened in the bedroom of Sabrina Lamérant and her husband. Just in her forties in 2021, she survived a heart attack and returned from the hospital very weakened, her shoulder all blue due to a hemorrhage. Fear then invades the marital bed, where his heart attack started. There is also the memory of his sister, who died ten years earlier of a cardiac arrest.

Sabrina is sleeping on the sofa and her “Jeff” tries to spare her: what if the next time is fatal for him? “I wanted him, but he held me back, as if he were putting me in cotton wool,” she remembers. How can you resist him when he makes her laugh or undresses when he comes home from work to take a shower? The couple begins to repaint the room and Sabrina can once again fall asleep in Jeff’s arms.

One evening, after several weeks of abstinence, their goodnight kiss drags on and becomes more languorous. The lovers meet again under the dim light of the clock radio. After their embrace, Sabrina instinctively takes his pulse. They laugh about it. Since then, their complicity and their chemistry under the covers have continued to strengthen.

But what to do when the body no longer responds? Many people experience a drop in their libido due to treatments. Like Alina*, in remission from serious cancer which forced her to undergo removal of her breasts, uterus and ovaries. Six years ago, she found herself, at 39, without feminine attributes – and especially without her breasts, this erogenous zone which could make her lose all her means. It has been two years since she had sex, without her husband making the slightest reproach to her. “I have to be careful not to kiss him for too long or undress in front of him. I don’t want to raise the temperature, at the risk of frustrating him,” she slips.

To the fear of illness is often added the worry of making one’s true love flee into the arms of another woman. “I said to myself: how can this handsome, sporty man who takes care of himself, abstain for so long? », explains Karine, married for thirty years, and suffering from breast cancer.

The pressure that many patients put on themselves is immense. “When I felt that she was forcing herself to please me, that didn’t work either,” says Raphaël Alazraki. His wife, Amélie, also has breast cancer, which has already metastasized twice – to the bones and to the brain. “It’s like I’m waging a permanent war in my body,” says the main person concerned.

It’s difficult to let your partner touch your skin when you no longer love your body. You often have to relearn how to feel desirable. “After my mastectomy, my husband was no longer allowed to go into the bathroom. I myself washed in the dark, with a washcloth so as not to smell anything,” reveals Karine, who experienced the loss of her hair even more badly: it was when her husband ran his hand through her hair, kissing her, that her desire began to rise.

“Sexuality is not just physical, but also the energy that circulates between lovers,” adds Raphaël, Amélie’s husband. He continues to find her beautiful and desirable, with breast reconstruction in progress and despite the presence of the catheter. Finally, the couple managed to communicate about each other’s different expectations thanks to a sexologist.

Moments experienced differently

Others find escapes far from medicalized daily life. At home, Karine often rests alone in her room during the day and her husband does not dare disturb her. It is therefore often on weekends or on vacation that they really get together.

Like during this stay in Paris, in this large jacuzzi. Karine’s bruised body is camouflaged under the moss. In this warm water, she begins to let go. Their skins touch, then merge. “Here we go again, like before!” », she enthuses.

The impulses of the body are also experienced differently. Every morning, Frédérique placed kisses on Alain’s shoulder. A chaste gesture, which gave rise to little butterflies in her stomach. He couldn’t move at all. “It was crazy to still be in that state, facing a body that was no longer the same,” she breathes. Then came shower time, their great moment of intimacy. Scalp massages, tender gestures while soaping it… All the while watching the water sliding down his face (one day, he took a wrong turn and almost suffocated).

“It was very deep. We went from a physical love to a celestial love,” she recalls, clutching her spouse’s scarf tightly. These memories continue to keep her alive since Alain passed away in their bed.

* The first name has been changed.