“The love of my children lives in me”

How are you feeling today?

Today, very good. When people ask me this question, I focus on the present moment. He alone is within my reach. Being well means that I am able to experience what I feel. In these moments, I can say that I feel a certain peace. Being sad doesn’t mean feeling bad: I can feel good and feel sad at the same time.

Where did your need to write again come from?

I have already told so much after the death of our two daughters (Thaïs and Azylis died in 2007 and 2017, at 3 and 10 years old, from an incurable orphan disease, metachromatic leukodystrophy, Editor’s note) . I promised myself that I would no longer write about myself, about us, about my family. I should have stopped there. I wanted to write about the little wonders of life. But our eldest son, Gaspard, committed suicide, the day before his 20th birthday, in January 2022. In the weeks that followed, I thought about not writing on this subject, because I did not want to get close reasons for his departure, let alone share it. Then, this personal story took hold.

When did it become possible?

Not in the moment of the crash, nor in its echo. Never. It took me eight months to return to intimate texts. I was ready again to get to the soul of who I was, and what I wanted to share. I manage to write from the moment I become aware of experiencing something universal, going beyond my singular story, reaching readers through my pain which echoes theirs.

Doesn’t that make you relive the pain?

No… It’s as if I had an arm amputated and someone said to me: “When you write, doesn’t that really remind you that you have an arm amputated?” » But I never forget it! The shortcomings I experience form a part of me. Writing does not awaken this pain because it is there, forever.

Have you tried to understand Gaspard’s gesture?

My husband and I realized that if we looked for the why, we would go crazy. To seek meaning would be to want to justify one’s action, and that seems unbearable to me. As Arthur, his brother, says: “We don’t question mysteries. »

Did you write for Gaspard?

I don’t think so. If I had written for him, I would have kept it to myself. (She thinks.) Rather, I thought of this book with him, thanks to what remains alive of him. Some people write to keep a person alive. I am not resurrecting my three children, they are dead. But one thing about them remains alive in me: love. It is for this living love that I wrote.

Did you need this book to get back into the world?

Yes… When my son died, I had the impression that, from now on, everything was going to be on the scale of my pain: immense. And that to feel things, I would have to experience immense pain or happiness. And as I did not see what happiness could be as great as my sorrow, I concluded that I would never be happy again. And I realized, finally, that my “immense” happiness resided at the heart of very small joys. These are my greatest victory. I marvel at marveling again. This is “adding life to the days” (the title of his book, Editor’s note) : to be a little more alive, a little more confident.

How did you not let yourself be paralyzed by pain?

After Gaspard died, I tried a hundred times to get up in the morning. A hundred times it was impossible for me, then once, yes. Often, I was unable to cross the threshold of my house. Everything seemed wrong to me. It seemed to me that neither I nor my pain had a place. And then one day, I managed to go buy vegetables. And I felt a sense of victory. I had been able to hold a casual conversation! And this world which seemed unbearable to me by continuing its routine when my son was dead, then became reassuring, by its very persistence.

Has your faith been shaken, or strengthened, by these trials?

It has gained depth and intimacy, because suffering invites us to go more intensely within ourselves. I am often asked if faith acts as a crutch. But it is not a help that one would need at a certain moment! Having faith does not make the journey easier. Sometimes I stop and don’t move forward. But I feel enveloped in a mantle of tenderness, gentleness, love and trust. God does not tell me “Everything will be fine”, but that He is there, that I have my place in this world, and my suffering too.

However, overcoming the death of three of your children seems impossible to many…

At first, you just survive. I told myself, “I can’t survive the death of a third child, so I’m going to die.” » Gaspard had been hospitalized at his request, because he was having difficulty living, even if he ardently wanted to. When the doctor called us in the night, we guessed he wasn’t going to give us good news. But I kept repeating to myself: “Gaspard is not dead since we already have two dead children. We don’t lose three children. » With the shock of the news of his death, suddenly the impossible became possible. Our other son, Arthur, could die; Loïc, my husband, too. My confidence in life collapsed.

Where is this confidence today?

It comes back little by little and it seems even more important to me than before. Going through a trial doesn’t bring you back to the exact same place on the path. I have more confidence in myself. From now on, I know that the ordeal is possible, but that I am capable of drawing from within myself resources that will help me.

How did she come back?

Confidence returns when we manage to chase away fear. Its worst enemy is not suffering itself. It is the fear that nestles there. The fear of not succeeding, of it starting again, of finding ourselves alone, of our relationship exploding… I realized that at the moment when I was told of the death of my son, my heart was beating, even though I I felt like I was dead. But if my heart beats, I don’t die. Something like a consent to live is present at the center of this moment, even if we are overcome by suffering. This dimension of consent is very important to me. It is linked to trust.

Despite everything, you claim to “live with the living”…

Ultimately, the most difficult thing is not to be sad, but to be able to find moments of joy. The punishment is necessary. But it takes a lot of effort to capture such moments without pain or guilt. I chose: either my pain occupied all my thoughts and actions, or I lived for the living and with the living. Because I know what will always remain in me from each of my children, Gaspard, Azylis and Thaïs: love. I feel loved by them like when they were alive. Yes, the verb to love, for me, will be conjugated in the present tense throughout my life.