All Saints. When death looms, how do you find the words to say goodbye?

Thanadoula: does this name mean nothing to you? No wonder: in France, its use is still very recent. This is a companion for people at the end of life or in mourning. The profession was born in 2003, in a palliative care department in New York. Today there are around fifteen thanadoulas in France, according to the Doulas de France association. If the profession is developing, it is because there is a need: to talk about death, to find the best way to say goodbye.

It is the same necessity that pushed Sarah Dumont, a French journalist specializing in mourning, to launch, in 2018, “aperitifs of death”. A unique evening where strangers meet around a drink to talk about grief. The initiative, now organized in 48 cities in France, has met its audience. Proof of the growing difficulty we have in discussing death in our contemporary society. Setting aside a moment to say goodbye, whether before or after the death of a loved one, changes almost everything. In the opinion of all our interlocutors – including the many readers who were kind enough to participate in this survey – this soothes and alleviates mourning. As the feast of All Saints invites us to remember our deceased, here are ten ways to promote this essential time.

1st track: Respect each person’s rhythm

Difficulty saying goodbye may first arise from people who are dying. Some are not ready to talk about death. “It is essential to give the patient this freedom,” believes Sophie Robillard, palliative care nurse at the Jeanne-Garnier Medical Center in Paris. Our mission, as a loved one or caregiver, is to make ourselves available to the person at the end of life. » We can, however, remain attentive to the signs that this person may give when they want to talk about it. Sometimes, an important word will be addressed to a third party.

“Before her death, my wife said to her sister: I want Jean to be happy. This sentence shocked me,” says Jean. And until the last minute, it is never too late for words of love: “Now is the time. I love you. Goodbye,” Pierre confided to his wife Andrée and his family, just before his death.

2nd track: Practice expressing your feelings

This is the greatest regret of the bereaved: not having shared with the deceased person words of affection, questions, sometimes resentment, which remained buried. “I haven’t told my wife how much our love has made us grow over these fifty-three years,” laments Michel. “I didn’t know how to ask my parents for forgiveness for all the trouble I caused them,” another reader wrote. If this blockage comes from ourselves, it is possible to overcome it. “Some people are not used to expressing deep feelings, because their parents educated them by telling them what was wrong, but never what was right, so as not to encourage them to become proud,” notes the theologian Jean- Marc Liautaud. This fear of compliments is observed in many societies, he analyzes, “probably because we fear that it engages us in an emotional logic, a dependence, even a regimentation”. To overcome this fear, he advises practicing as early as possible telling people why you love them. Sometimes, some people do not dare broach the subject of death with a sick person, because their distress awakens their own. “Humans are thus made, in a mirror, haunted by the question of reciprocity,” continues the theologian. We must learn to tame our suffering. »

3rd track: Prepare your funeral

In a beautiful book, Clémentine Mélois tells how she made herself available to her father, who was ill with cancer. “Our luck was that our father knew he was condemned and that he had accepted it with great wisdom,” testifies the writer. He has put all his affairs in order, as the doctors say. » She managed to start a fruitful dialogue with him about his funeral. She asked him to paint his coffin – her father was a sculptor, she was an artist. He accepted. When she suggested that he take him to the cemetery in their childhood car rather than a hearse, he refused. His choice was respected.

It is always best to anticipate how the funeral will take place. “The vagueness generates anxiety,” remarks Sophie Robillard. To approach the subject, Clémentine Mélois recommends that the conversation not always be conducted in a serious tone. “We have to talk about everything. With my father, we initially approached it as a game.” His father ended up building a homemade carillon, modeled on Tibetan prayer wheels, in the cemetery where he was going to be buried. Clementine activates it each time she visits. Then the melody sounds Dies Irae, Dies Illa . “It’s a way of communicating with him,” appreciates the young woman. As children, we sang this song when we buried a bird killed by a cat in the garden. Our father left me lots of little stones, like Tom Thumb. These signs are of great comfort to me. »

4th track: Discuss your final wishes

“Every last wish expressed is a gift given to those we love,” assures Sarah Dumont, journalist specializing in mourning. Formulating them is also a pragmatic way to avoid conflicts. This will avoid family rifts over what the deceased would have wanted. Sarah Dumont insists on the fact that last wishes must be written and therefore incontestable. She recommends sending them to several family members. Or print them and place them in a folder in the known location. It is also possible to organize a family meal to discuss the subject, suggests Sophie Robillard. This friendly moment can calm anxieties. Why not, also, organize a trip to the childhood lands of the weakened person. This may be a good time for confessions.

5th track: Dare to be creative

“My grandmother is passing away. I feel useless. What to do? “. Stéphanie Chauveau, thanadoula in Landes, one day received this call from a young woman. The latter became an opera singer because her grandmother introduced her to this art. Stéphanie recommended that she sing for her grandmother, to thank her. She began “the most beautiful Vivaldi she knew.” » Her grandmother died five minutes after the song began. The singer said she felt great relief.

Sophie Robillard, for her part, invites us to overcome the superstitious fear that talking about death would make it come more quickly. “That’s not the case. Talking about it can be an extraordinarily intense time. »

It doesn’t take much to soothe a loved one. It took four words for Anne-Lise to heal a forty-year-old wound. This reader writes to us that she separated from her husband because his mistress had become pregnant by him. But she remained close to her husband’s aunt. She assisted her in palliative care. The day before her death, when the nurses questioned her about her presence, this aunt said: “She’s my niece. » “These simple words repaired me,” assures Anne-Lise. Thanks Tata. »

The person close to death can also prepare a box for each of their loved ones, in which they would have placed personalized messages. This is what a patient of Sophie Robillard did, for example. Or place objects symbolic of their relationship there.

6th track: Take up the pen…

And when the death has already occurred? In a different way, of course, it is entirely possible to say goodbye to a person after their death. And it’s crucial to let go of guilt if you haven’t done it before. “Everyone acted as best they could in those moments,” insists Clémentine Mélois. For Stéphanie Chauveau, this farewell is essential to get back on the path of her life. “To move forward, you must first say goodbye. » She accompanies many bereaved people, who remain “blocked” by their regrets. Like this woman who threatened her sick mother that she would no longer see her if she continued to tell her that she “wanted to die”. She realized afterwards that it was probably a door that her mother had opened to be able to evoke death.

Stéphanie Chauveau uses several techniques to “get moving again”. One of them consists of asking the person being cared for to write to the deceased person. “With the terms he wants, sometimes words of anger, forgiveness, questions. This letter must be written as if the dead person were still there. You have to write down everything you have to say to him. » She then suggests that the person read the letter aloud in a place symbolic of their relationship. Or in a place that soothes him. For example the edge of a stream. “The symbol of water is always very beautiful. He embodies life which continues to flow. » The person can burn the letter if they wish. It can be liberating.

7th track: … or the road

Many other actions are possible. Stéphanie only managed to say goodbye to her brother, who died suddenly in a car accident, while hiking for a week, alone, in the Pyrenees. On each cairn she saw, she placed a stone. “When I come back on these paths and see the cairns, it’s like my brother is with me. »

8th track: Join a collective

It is also possible to hear constructive words by attending an “aperitif of death”. Launched six years ago by Sarah Dumont, founder of the Happy End association, it is a free moment of discussion where everyone can talk, over a drink, about death. During the aperitif organized on October 17, 2024 in Paris, people who have lost their spouse, their father or their mother, or who have cancer came together. One of the women present talks about her brother who committed suicide. She managed to say goodbye to him by watching over the body for a long time at the funeral home, alone with him. “It calmed me down a lot,” she says.

9th track: Compose a tribute

Another woman talks about her inability to say goodbye to her mother, who died of sudden phlebitis twenty years ago. The shock was such that she was unable to prepare for her funeral. “I regret it,” she told the group. Today, she would like to pay tribute to him to turn the page. She decided to meet her mother’s friends to write her portrait. The idea for the tribute came to him when he saw the video of mountaineer Constance Schaerer. She set out to climb seven of the highest peaks in the world because her late father asked to place his ashes on the highest peak on each of the seven continents. “This tribute made me cry,” she admits.

10th track: The cemetery, a place of peace

For Clémentine Mélois, you should not hesitate to propose your ideas to the funeral directors when organizing the funeral. Small, simple gestures can help to experience the farewell, such as inviting those present to leave a note for the deceased, in a notebook placed next to the coffin. Is it difficult for you to go to the cemetery regularly? Websites, such as alanna.life or en-sa-memoire.fr, now offer to maintain and decorate your loved one’s grave for you. As Xavier, palliative care nurse and author of end-of-life comics under the pseudonym “The Starry Man” says: “There are as many bereavements as there are bereaved people. »