How to accompany a funeral?

“For lack of the decorum that religious ritual brings, everything fell apart. People wandered around haphazardly, left to their helpless initiative. A believer, to restore some order, intoned a Hail Mary which only a few took up. Most of the people had left the cemetery (…). No one knew anymore if the ceremony was completed or not. »

In this – true – story in which he recounts the funeral of his sister-in-law, the writer Emmanuel Carrère highlights a very contemporary dismay: how to accurately celebrate the last farewell to a deceased person, when no one knows what is appropriate anymore. to do? Who to turn to, in the absence of a priest? Who should I request a prayer from? The request is not self-evident. There remains… silence, or a hesitation-waltz which leaves the audience with a feeling of unfinished business.

Rites are essential

Catholics involved in parish “funeral teams” know these questions well. They who, by the thousands, voluntarily welcome grieving families, know to what extent the rites are essential, even when we have abandoned all practice. Because, at this precise moment, it is important to tell those loved ones who have suffered: “You are not alone. We, believers, want to help you carry this grief to the end. »

Death, a community affair? Damien Le Guay, philosopher, is convinced of this. “For more than a hundred thousand years, no human society has ever dispensed with accompanying its dead with rites. In our modern society which values ​​the individual, death is less and less a collective moment. However, this death that we experience alone with ourselves makes mourning very difficult,” he observes.

Luc, 61 years old, says nothing else. A year ago, he decided to have his mother cremated privately. “I thought that the contemplation around his remains would be enough for us to say our goodbyes,” he says. In reality, as soon as I was placed in coffin in the hospital mortuary room, I felt a withdrawal. The coffin was transported by funeral directors to the crematorium, with the family following the van by car. There we waited in a room for the cremation to take place. I felt like what I was experiencing was meaningless. I felt deeply alone. »

This feeling of emptiness is not reserved for nostalgic people who have barely recovered from the disappearance of the “pomps” – hearse draped in black, altar boys, solemn procession – which signaled to everyone the passage of a funeral procession. The demand cuts across society, as indicated by the initiatives that are emerging to find meaning in the face of death. In funeral homes, employed “masters of ceremonies” invite families, during civil celebrations, to tell their connection to the deceased through texts, songs, an offering of flowers, etc.

Symbolic social support

On the internet, relatives are sometimes invited to build a “memorial” to the missing person, by leaving a photo or a message in the virtual space dedicated to the deceased. Artists, by inventing improbable funerary monuments – vertical steles, suspended urns, lighting effects, etc. – are shaking up our representations of death. These proposals may seem inappropriate, even indecent. But all say the need for symbolic social support. “In terms of rites, we have moved from Catholic ready-to-wear to spiritual tailor-made,” observes Damien Le Guay.

Faced with this demand, the Catholic Church has not remained inactive. Joining families “where they are” and tactfully guiding them in expressing their suffering is the daily bread and butter of funeral team members. The quality of this support is widely recognized. Although sometimes the adjustment is difficult.

Bernadette, 55 years old, non-practicing, buried her mother-in-law six months ago, in a small village near Pau. “During the first meeting with the priest, the tension was palpable,” she says. Faced with our desire to offer secular songs, he told us that this did not correspond to the practices of his parish. Finally, he agreed to change the usual course of his mass. For our part, we tried not to choose music that was too offbeat. »

Explain, negotiate, refuse, where appropriate, privileges: even with very religious families, support is not easy. “My mother-in-law, who was very religious, would have deserved a Eucharist. But the priest did not want to, so as not to make anyone jealous,” regrets Marie-Josèphe, a reader of Le Pèlerin.

If the Church does not want to lose ground…

With or without the Eucharist… and what about the presence of a priest? The question is not new, nor is the decline in priestly numbers. Even if priests still provide 77% of religious funerals, the laity have risen to the challenge, thus allowing the Catholic Church to remain present. On the other hand, with the accelerated development of cremation, much more profound upheavals are taking shape.

41% of people wishing to be cremated say they want a religious ceremony. The 138 crematoriums in France all have a ceremony room, funeral operators do not hide the fact that transferring the celebration on site simplifies the procedures… and reduces costs. Nothing prevents celebrating first in the parish, then transporting the coffin to a crematorium. But the pressure is there.

As in Montpellier, “all-in-one” places are being developed. Result: nationally, 23% of Catholic celebrations preceding cremation now take place at the crematorium, according to a survey by General Funeral Directors. In the South-East, where lay people have invested massively in this support, this rate even rises to 47%! Conclusion: if the Church does not want to “lose ground”, it is up to it to delegate teams of lay people outside the parishes.

However, this purely “logistical” approach is not satisfactory. Not that the Church refuses to adapt: ​​in the diocese of Saint-Étienne, for example, the bishop now accepts celebrations at the crematorium. The fact remains that these are simple blessings and not masses, since no Eucharist is celebrated on site.

This “at a minimum” partnership with funeral directors shows the embarrassment of the Church. Because the real question is not only that of distributing the workforce at the right time and in the right place. It is also theological. By multiplying blessings to the detriment of the Eucharists, does the Church not risk diluting the Gospel message? “There is a real coherence between the sacrament of the Eucharist and the concern to experience the event of death in its Easter dimension,” insists the diocese of Bayeux and Lisieux, following an investigation launched by the Conference of Bishops of France.

The other issue is pastoral. The church (building) tells the story of the Church to which it claims. In the impersonal room of a funeral home, without a tabernacle, without a crucifix, the lay person who conducts the blessing is likely to appear as a simple provider of religious services. Available, certainly, but interchangeable. And then how can we demonstrate in this neutral place the effective presence of the parish community which, the following Sunday, will carry the deceased in its prayers?

Fraternity and creativity

Here and there, however, alternative ways are opening up to reconnect families affected by bereavement and the community of believers. In Toulon, the Saint-Louis parish, at the initiative of the Communion Saint-Lazare, a brotherhood of lay people, has set up a “repository” which accommodates for three years the urns placed by loved ones. You can come and pray there, invite loved ones there.

Another option consists of reinvesting prayer time during the vigil of the body: “We have undoubtedly focused too much on the celebration. We need to rethink long-term support for families,” says Armelle Pinon, head of the Funeral Commission at the Sacramental and Liturgical Pastoral Service of the Diocese of Lyon.

Because death is an event that our society cannot avoid. In the race for time, it forces the living to pause to confront intimate and essential questions. Every day, 1,500 people die in France. These are so many families coming together – or, sometimes, dividing. There are thousands of professionals from funeral organizations who practice a difficult profession, battalions of priests, deacons and lay people who, in the name of their faith, provide the service of charity.

Undeniably, supporting funerals requires fraternity and creativity. Catholics and all Christians, who profess a God who has abolished the boundaries of death, are more than ever called to contribute to this.