Light at the bottom of the hole

In prison, I became a undead. At the visiting room, I no longer spoke to my wife and children, nor my fellow prisoner or the psychologist who summoned me every week. I wanted to die.

In my first suicide attempt, a supervisor intervened. A month later, my fellow prisoner, who usually slept a lot, jumped from his bed to detach myself from the radiator where I hung myself. The third time, I had no more fellowship.

For weeks, I haven’t slept. One night, I went to bed while waiting for the supervisor’s passage, at 3 am, determined to watch and hang myself afterwards, with my shoe laces hidden under my pillow.

I remember: Light pierces my eyelids. Paradise? I open my eyes on the four walls of my cell and on the window where between the sun. All night, I slept with a deep sleep. Angry, I shout: “God, you don’t want me to leave this earth. See this suffering deep inside me, I can’t take it anymore. Help me. »»

In the afternoon, I have an appointment with the psychologist. ” How are you ? – How are you. – For two years, you haven’t said anything. Think of you. You have the future in front of you. These words! This is the voice of the psychologist, but I hear my mother: “My son, thinks of you. I cry.

The next day, I feel light. My mind said to me: “Take the Bible, read, even a single word. Anglophone, I don’t read French well at the time. I open the Bible and recognize the word “Jesus”. Then I am looking for a passage that I was told at chaplaincy, John, chapter 3, verse 16. I understand: “If you believe in me, you will have eternal life. »»

From this moment, my life has changed. I no longer felt anger. At the parlor, I answered my children: “Hello, Daddy. – Hello, are you okay? They spread their eyes. I continued: “Marie*, did you grow up well, everything is going well at school? “She started to jump:” Daddy spoke, Daddy spoke! »»

I was surprised: “Why are you jumping?” – Daddy, we’ve been coming for almost two years and you don’t answer. When you go home, you cry. We thought you didn’t know us anymore. »»

Tears sank with my eyes. I tightened my daughter in my arms: “I can’t explain to you, I didn’t know you were suffering; It hurts me. “How did this guy changed?” Wondered people in prison. Every day, I thank God.

*The first names were changed.