Originality, savings, freedom of organization… why are couples increasingly opting for surprise weddings?

For the Berger family, June 1, 2024 was originally a day dedicated to the baptism of little Marius, 7 years old, the son of Sophie and Xavier. Everything had been prepared well in advance: from accommodation to meals, including clothing for the children. Taking advantage of the arrival of their relatives and friends, the parents had actually decided to kill two birds with one stone by… getting married on the same day! Apart from the witnesses, essential for civil status, no one knew about it. In a relationship for fourteen years, these thirty-year-old spouses had never had the opportunity to officially unite at the town hall. Lack of resources, Covid-19 and serious illness had constantly postponed the wedding. “But that Saturday, the planets were aligned,” rejoices the newlywed bride. When I arrived at the reception room in a white dress, everyone was crying. »

Appearing around ten years ago, these surprise marriages are popular, even if it is impossible to assess their share in all the unions carried out each year (242,000 marriages in 2023). The Wedding Show puts forward the percentage of 30% in 2024, when Florence Noël, vice-president of the Association of Wedding Consultants (Assocem), claims to achieve only 3% per year. In any case, the trend, coming straight from the United States where stars like Beyoncé, Ariana Grande, Scarlett Johansson popularized it, has taken root here. Reality TV shows, such as Tell him yes Or Dear, marry me now and social networks have contributed to it. The pandemic did the rest.

More intimacy, personalization, less pomp… “These unions attract creative and imaginative people who are looking for a less traditional means of expression. An alliance that looks more like them,” observes Soazig Castelnérac, creator of the online media Love Always and author of Come, we love each other (Ed. Albin Michel). Due to their simplicity, these arrangements particularly appeal to couples with children who have lived together for several years and to those who have already visited the mayor for the first time. No need to set a date months in advance, put together a complicated organization or spend thousands and cents. “Twenty years ago, I would have wanted to have a wedding with great pomp,” concedes Sophie. But here, I wanted a simpler party where no one has to worry. » The formula also had the advantage of reducing the bill for the couple’s retired parents.

A union in their own way

In this period of all-out sobriety, the fashion is no longer for hair-raising and ruinous weddings with an avalanche of photos on Instagram. The ceremonies return to more refined forms. As evidenced by the Cofidis barometer published in January 2023: in a context of inflation, the French spent on average 9,873 euros for their ceremony, or 1,190 euros less than the previous year.

Laurène, for her part, did not choose the “surprise” formula for budgetary reasons or a taste for originality but for the sake of maintaining her full freedom in the organization of the D-day. “For the baptism of our children, we already felt that our families wanted to manage everything, says the 28-year-old young woman. So, for our wedding, we wanted there to be no interference. » With his partner, they chose everything together. An indelible memory that helped bring the future spouses closer together. Social psychology researcher Christophe Haag sees it as a different way of giving the couple a boost: “In our society, we are afraid of breaking the routine. Surprise, on the contrary, is a form of catharsis: partners update their expectations and evolve,” explains the author of the book. The power of surprise (Ed. Albin Michel).

The approach is, however, not without risks. Because if the announcement generally has its effect, some guests may take it badly, whether they are family members or loved ones who were absent on the fateful date, and who would never have missed the appointment if they they had known its importance. Chiara* thought she would miss the birthday of one of her best friends. But looking at social networks that day, her eyes opened wide when she discovered the pot aux roses. “I felt left out, like I wasn’t as important as I thought in their eyes,” she says. Since then, something has broken between us. »

CNRS research director and sociologist Florence Maillochon warns of the weight carried by women in the organization of these events. “The term “surprise” does not mean spontaneity or improvisation. Because surprise for some means a lot of preparation work for others, often the wives. »A fortiori in the case of Anaïs, who had kept the secret… from her companion! This is the other type of surprise marriages, those which are not official, since a civil union requires that the two future bride and groom complete the marriage file but which have a strong symbolic significance (read box at end of article).

Quit or double

In a relationship for seventeen years and after two children, this resident of Tarn-et-Garonne had long wanted to get married. Tired of not seeing anything coming, she decided to take the risk of organizing a “ceremony” on her own and in less than three months. Cindy, one of her best photographer friends responsible for immortalizing the moment, remembers her doubts: “She was afraid that her partner would react badly and that it would break the dynamic of the couple,” she confides; but even if he refused, there was nothing official. » Moved to tears on the day of the ceremony, Rémi said “yes” to his partner. “He who hates preparations thanked me for everything I had accomplished alone and in secret,” remembers Anaïs, recognizing that the organization had left her behind.

The adventure could still have gone wrong. In the eyes of consultant Soazig Castelnérac, before putting the ring on your finger, time for reflection and preparation is essential for the future of the couple. “By organizing as a couple, we may discover that we are not made for each other. When we choose surprise, we have not given ourselves time to work on ourselves or the relationship. We take each other’s decision hostage. » Aware of the danger, Anaïs took care to rely on humor to soften the shock: on the famous day, the officiants were none other than complicit friends… disguised as municipal elected officials.

* The first name has been changed.